I want to make a zoo with you.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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