I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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