There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
