It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
