I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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