therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
