You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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