WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
