You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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