Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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