I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think your dad took our porno
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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