He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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