i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
