im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Randomize
