I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
