when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
