if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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