next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize