Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
