mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
