Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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