Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
