i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
