I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
