We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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