he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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