Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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