nutella sex= disaster
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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