I'm so fucking centered right now
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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