3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
