Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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