Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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