You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
