my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
