Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The air was thick with penises
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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