i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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