we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
