I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
