go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Where is the hickey?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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