Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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