so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
