She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
