who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
