I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
zippers are such a cool invention
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
