he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We left the knife in your bed.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
