My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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