On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize