While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
