You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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