Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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