Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
