happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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