I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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