Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
