The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
