someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
