Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
