how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
