Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i will never coherently bang her
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
