there's paper in my vomit.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you win again, gameday.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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