you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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