dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
God I need to hump something, right now.
How naked do you want me to be?
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